Sexual Education with a Side Order of Gay
by Secret Life of a Ninja
Summary: Sometimes being late to class means detention and other times it means you're married to the man you hate and are now pregnant with twins. And just to spice things up, you're in one of the most awkwardest classes known to man and your new partner happens to be the same gender. Get ready for some black magic, cheese burgers, french love and a whole lot of 'who'
1. A British scone and a French croissant

**Warning – bad language, sexual references, may go against some religious views, homosexuality, breaking of the sacred fourth wall, loads of stereotyping that may sound rather offensive (please don't take it to heart, I'll be making fun of my own nationality too if it helps) and just not suitable for preteens really. If there is something here you do not like then please to not bash, just don't bother reading.**

**Main characters since I can only add two in the description – France, England, Canada and America. Please don't assume this is entirely USUK and start reading or just plain out ignore because you were expecting that that will be the main focus, because trust me it's not. It's more FrUkUs really.**

**Disclaimer – I do not own Hetalia or any already existing brands and shows that may be mentioned in this story. No profit is made from this and is entirely for my own enjoyment. Thank you.**

**Sexual Education with a Side Order of Gay**

A beautiful autumn sun ray lit up the paths of two equally hansom boys, both blonde and tall, about the same height actually, and both wearing the same navy school uniform that hugged their body like a mother would to a son who was leaving for collage. A ghostly silence filled the air the both of them ran in unison in and a cool breeze gently danced through their gleaming blonde locks. The September morning was nothing less than perfect honestly; there was absolutely nothing at fault. It was like god finally decided that the world needed some peace and stopped the cruelty for one day. Students of the rather big secondary school sat in rows and focused hard on their school work, well with the obvious exceptions. Teachers of different subjects taught them with pride and passion, only to be ignored by the pupils they tried so hard to teach. But that typical school life, that had nothing to do with the two boys running in the courtyard in the perfect daylight screaming and shouting at each other, nothing at all.

"Wanker" shouted the British one of the two.

Well what away to ruin such perfect perfectness right? Gosh and I was going to make this sound so peaceful and nice.

" 'ey, you didn't 'ave to follow me you know" said the other just as loudly, but he had more of a French accent than British.

Now that's what I call a great combo, a Briton and a Frenchman. What's next, a Belarusian and Russian? Or maybe the Frenchman decided to make friends with an American. Oh life and it's fucked up sense of humour, got to love it though! So yeah, the French and the Briton (it'd make an awesome comedy). Arthur (what an absolutely spiffing name [add haughty laugh]), the British one who was clearly in touch with his rather effeminate side shouted back a bloody foul mouthed sentence back (to an American it would have probably sounded something like this *insert really posh English (NOT British) accent* 'tea, tea, bloody tea, scones, scones, black magic, lord save the queen, tea, crumpets and Rule Britannia mother fucker!)

"I couldn't just leave you" replied Arthur (oh I do love that name), "you was dragging a poor year 7 off to the toilets and you didn't have the most innocent face at the time, damn pervert"

Francis, the French one obviously (Francis really? Oh how creative) looked quite offended ('e is French non, why is he surprised?).

"What are you trying to suggest eh?" he asked rhetorically (well we know where Canadian's got their beloved 'eh' from)

Arthur didn't say anything back. Looks like the English know the meaning of rhetorical, but then with all that sarcasm and wit running through their veins, how can they not? But the Englishmen did give a quiet sneer to the blonde haired young man walking besides him. Yeah they got tired of running and decided to walk, lazy bastards. Francis simply laughed at the look upon Arthur's face. You dumb fuck, he's British! He could have bloody got the devil on you for all we know. They know black magic and shit, how else do you think they controlled one third of the world? Oh but you're French, you wouldn't understand. Not long later, the two arrive at their destination (their final destination…). A worried look was painted on their faces as they stepping into the classroom. As they stepped in they could smell the foul odours of strange concoctions brewing in glass tubes by flaming hot fires. The walls were dirty with spilled mixtures of all colours, black, blue, green and even red. A chill ran down the backs of the two tardy boys as a tall black figure stood in front of them. The figures eyes were big and full of anger and hatred especially in the icy blue irises that stood out like a light in complete darkness of the figures beetroot red face. This was the one place the two boys did not want to be, this was much worse than hell. This was… science with Mr Dale.

This isn't an ordinary lesson, nuh-uh, this is fucking Mr Dale's science lesson! He's the person Satan looks up to, the one who was made with the hells own fire, the one whose sheer eyes could make hell freeze, hell his stare could make Chuck Norris freeze! But you know what really makes him unleash full on slender man mode- late pupils. Yeah, I wasn't making some lame-arse pun when I said it'd be their final destination, coz it was byotches! But seriously, Arthur and Frances were in deep shit now.

"And where were you two boys?" asked Mr Dale angrily.

Arthur looked at Francis (or maybe it was the devil that he had cursed the Frenchman with), both their faces had that solemn look of death, like the Grim was slowly pulling the life out of them. Speaking of the Grim, maybe Mr Dale was him. Every time a student or even a teacher went to see him, they'd always have that grave look that was silently screaming for help. Mr Dale asked the question again. His voice was slow and deep, making the hairs on the back of every pupil's neck stand at end like a thousand tiny daggers that had just been thrown at a solid wall. Arthur bit his pink lip and Francis stared down at the ground. What really could the boys say? "Sorry sir I was busy molesting a kid half my age", yeah, nothing to say. Now I know what you're thinking, 'why don't they make some stupid lie up?' well have you not been reading properly? This is fucking Mr Dale, he knows his shit from what's shit and frankly lies are just not going to suffice. Again the teacher's voice echoed the same words, each of the syllables sliding smoothly through the chill air like a snake making its way around the ground.

"We, we were showing a year 7 to 'is class sir" lied Francis (you stupid frog, what part of 'lies won't suffice' don't you get?)

"Is that so…" trailed Mr Dale's voice. He was not fooled at all, yet he decided to let the situation go. Mr Dale turned to the class, facing his back to the two boys. A sly smirk was placed on his face as he opened his mouth to talk. He looked around the class before letting the first word out. The desks were all housing 2 students each, a girl and a boy. The pupils did not look like they wanted to be there, which only added more enjoyment into Mr Dale's teaching life.

"As you know you are all in year 11" he began slowly, "which means at some point this year you will all be legally allowed to fool around with your loved ones"

A quiet snigger could be heard from the back of the class.

"Yes Jones, that means sex" hissed Mr Dale, "Anyway, the legal age of sex probably hasn't stopped most of you from doing such things in the first place" he said shooting a glance at a few students who all looked guilty for one reason or another. "But as your Science teacher, it is apparently my duty to teach about this situation in much more depth than in previous years. So that is why I paired you up with the opposite gender" Mr Dale looked around the class, all the student, except a few, were paired up with the opposite sex. "You will be a couple and will do the tasks I set you for the next term." There was a loud groan in the class, but was quickly murdered by Mr Dales piercing stare. "As for you two delinquents" he said whilst turning to face Arthur and Francis, "you two will be paired together"

Arthur's mouth fell open as he heard the bad news. Bad? I'm sure it'd be a lot of fun being paired up with Francis, especially in a class like Sex Ed… if you know what I'm getting at. Arthur protested, claiming it wasn't fair and that he would never go gay for such an insolent person such as Francis. Francis simply smiled and looked absolutely over the moon to be paired with Arthur.

"But that's gay!" he proclaimed mightily. Dude you're seriously not moaning that it's gay. Hello take a look at yourself honey, you're a pretty girly man yourself… though not as bad as that Francis.

"Oh now don't be so homophobic. If anyone sees this class they'll think we have no respect for homosexuals, with all the straight couples I have paired" Mr Dale laughed maniacally.

"But what about them" Arthur pointed at a group of girls who had not been set pairs, "can't I go with one of them?"

"They have a different job" Mr Dale told Arthur, "now no more arguing unless you want to stay behind after school." The grim teacher smiled (and that happens rarely) as if he had won the Great War.

Arthur and Francis walked over to an empty desk, one sulking and the other humming happily. They were now a happy gay couple that had been going on for about four years. The thought made Arthur sick, though the yaoi fangirls didn't mind at all. But the biggest of the fangirls, who was literally drooling at happy Artie/Francis moments, was none other the Francis. He couldn't have been happier. You see, at this school there were the gays, the lesbians, the straight, the asexual, the transsexual, the bisexual, the pansexual and then there are the ones who don't care about gender or race or anything, they just want to get in your pants! These people include Francis. Truthfully, he sees beauty in everything and loves everyone, but he doesn't show it in a very pleasant way. His latest obsession had been the British scholar Arthur. Francis claimed it was love at first sight. Arthur claimed it was a morbid passion. Although the two did not get along very well, they were good friends, like two brothers you know. They'd fight everyday none stop, but in the end, they'd always have a laugh… after a few drinks together. Francis didn't mind this relationship (I wouldn't! getting Arthur drunk every night and having him at your will for a couple of hours…) but what really got him was the fact that Arthur had eyes for someone else. But you'll know more all in good time.

Arthur looked at his partner with discomfort. _These next few weeks are not going to go well_ he thought to himself.

**A/N – so that was my first chapter. I don't usually write like this, but I thought it'd be fun for the narrator to kind of put this in a commentary sort of way. Anyway if you liked this please follow or favourite and tell me why you liked it in the reviews, thank you and I'll try to update quickly. **

_**[EXTRA]**_

"_I 'ave zis weird feeling I'm being followed" Francis told Arthur uneasily._

"_Oh it's only Satan" Arthur reassured him, "I set him on you in the morning, no big deal."_

_The Frenchman's eyes widened "WHAT THE FUCK YOU WITCH BASTARD " _


	2. 00America and Dick Plentiful

**For warnings, disclaimers and addition information about this story please revisit chapter one, thank you.**

**Chapter 2**

So once upon a time Cinderella was poor, but then a fairy came along and gave and her a pretty dress which wooed prince Charming and they both got married and lived happily ever after. Basically what I'm trying to say is wearing dresses can get you rich folk. And once you've got a rich fellow or miss wrapped around your fingers, you can live high and mighty. So what has this got to do with the story? Nothing! I just thought I'd point out what bad messages Disney stories have. I mean Snow White and the seven dwarves, the only thing I learned is: if your mum is out to kill you, live with seven men! Now that's not right is it? Imagine teaching your kids that. No I'm only joking, I love Disney! Okay enough procrastinating, on with the story.

Poor Matthew Williams was a shy boy who was forgotten by practically everyone. He was smart, well-mannered and practically everything an American was not. Yes you guessed it, he's Canadian. Matthew studied hard and achieved outstanding marks. He was always one of the top 5 in every class and always got on well with everyone he meets. Too bad everyone he ever met would soon forget he even existed. Matthew didn't come from money, unlike pretty much everyone at the school and honestly didn't want all that much money. He was happy living with his sister Maddie and his mother. He lived a traditional French life style and would usually be found speaking French at home instead of English. Really, he didn't see how even more money would help his life. Matthew and his family had just the right amount to live by. So what I'm trying to say is, he was the poor Cinderella of the school. When everyone else spent their weekends out playing polo, he'd be working at an internet café happily earning his week's wage. Oh the life of middle class families, we all knows how it is. So what I'm trying to say is, he is basically the Cinderella of the school who will probably end up getting laid by a rich girl… or guy.

Matt (I'm a lazy arse) walked slowly out of the Science class. It was quite the eventful one. The class had been paired up as couples and set task, with one of the couples being a gay one. So basically everything we covered in the last chapter happened. I bet you didn't notice him sitting at the back. Such horrible people you are, forgetting the dear Matt. I didn't forget him though. I knew he was there in the class, just didn't bother acknowledge him really. Anyhow, back to the story. Wow I need to learn to top trailing off. People always tell me that I never stick to the path. Well sometimes taking your own route can be a lot better and fun and sometimes it can get your grandmother eaten by a wolf. So anyway, Matt was given a piece of paper along with the rest of the class. It had a list of tasks written upon it and he was required to do it before the lesson exactly a week away. The 'couples' were given a different challenge to the Matt and the other group of students who hadn't been grouped. Oh the poor unloved single people who roamed the streets hoping one day they'll find love.

Matt remembered what Mr Dale had said about the group of students who were single. They were to be foetuses of the couples. But the couples do not know that they are having a child. Then he threatened the students with detention if any of them told the couples about their unborn child. Matt sighed. This was all rather stupid to him. He knew that it was to teach them all about unprotected sex and the dangers, but why couldn't Mr Dale just teach like a normal teacher. You know, like pointing at the board explaining sex by showing disturbing pictures of men and women and saying the word 'it' for about 600 times. Seriously Mattie, that's how you want to remember school life? I would have loved to have learned the subject through role play, you ungrateful Canadian polar bear! What could be better than a class with next to no writing and just talking? Better yet, it's sexual education. You can make as many rude and immature as you want and won't get told off. Would you really just want to sit there writing? Ugh nerd…

Matt reread the piece of paper for the tenth time. _You are the foetus of the couple __Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy__. It is your duty to write about their relationship from afar. Do not tell them what your motives are. If you do, there actions may differ. Consequences for all who disobey. _Matt scratched his head. How was he supposed to do this? He wasn't even friend with the two and so suddenly following them about would seem quite suspicious. That's the first thing that comes to mind Mattie? Mine would be 'How the fuck is a guy pregnant' or 'I wonder who's bottoming and who's topping'. My guess, Arthur is so uke! He could never dominate Francis, well unless the French toad lets him. Don't you agree? Mattie, tell me again why you hate this? You get to follow about two of the cutest guys ever and write about their imaginary love life. You could write a yaoi fanfiction, explicit and everything, and to anyone else it'd be you doing your assignment when you're really just writing about your sick sexual fantasies!

"MATTIE~" shouted a loud arrogant voice. Matt recognised the voice easily. He could hear the loud thunder of footsteps running up behind him, ready to jump him. Just a second after the ambusher was about to jump, Matt stepped out of the way. His assassin fell to the flow head first. Hahaha Mattie 1-0 Ambusher.

"Dude?" cried the voice from below. The mysterious assassin rubbed his bruised head and let out a cry of pain. By now you probably all know who this guy is. I mean where there's a sweet, quiet Canadian, there's always a loud, ignorant American right? And well this American was no ordinary American, this was Alfred. F. Jones the American! He's pathetic. Let me tell you something about Alfred. F. Jones. He and Matthew hated each other in primary school. It's so weird, I don't even… whatever. So then in year 7, Mattie went out with his first girlfriend Maria who was totally gorgeous but then had to move to Germany, and Alfred was like, weirdly jealous of Mattie. So if like, Maria would blow Alfred off and hang out with Mattie, he'd be all like "Why didn't you call me back" And I'd be like "Why are you so obsessed with her?" And then for Mattie's birthday party, which was going to be a laser tag party, a md Matt was like "I can't invite you dude, I think you're in love with my girlfriend" I mean Mattie couldn't have a possible girlfriend snatcher at his birthday party. Maria was going to be there wearing really pretty party wear. I mean, right? Alfred was a threat! So then Alfred's mum (or 'mom') called Mattie's mum and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then Alfred dropped out of school to visit family in America, and he came back in the fall for year 9, all of his hair was groan out and he was totally weird, and now I guess him and Mattie are best friends forever!

Alfred waved a piece of A5 paper in front of Matt. "So which couple is unfortunate enough to get you then Mattie?" asked Alfred happily.

Matt looked down at his paper again even though he already knew he got paired up with. Matt smiled awkwardly and said "The gay ones Al".

Alfred thought about what Matt just said, "Oh yeah Arthur and Francis, yeah same!" he said, happily showing his new brother the piece of paper. The two talked about the science lesson for a while as they made their way to the cafeteria. They decided that the project straight away. The assignment was to write a diary entry everyday about how their 'parents' were acting. The couples themselves had to stay close together for the next term and had to act like a proper couple. The school was a boarding school so they didn't have to worry about meeting up after school. Also the headmaster had given permission to switch the roommate system a bit so that the couples could share dorms. It was a risk mixing girls and boys in a dorm together, but it wasn't like anything that may or may not happen in there was anything new *cough sex cough*. And Mr Dale tried particularly hard to put all the students who hated each other together, so the chance of 'mature behaviour' was highly unlikely, unless they were all complete whores and didn't care.

Matt stayed close to Alfred. Alfred pretty much knew everyone and everyone pretty much knew him. Also he was quite good friends with Arthur to sitting with him wouldn't seem at all strange. It's like James Bond on a secret mission or a mission impossible film. I can hear the annoying repetitive music already… Alfred, or 00America as he will be called now, made his way through the tables that were scattered about the giant room. As the space between him and his new 'parents' got smaller, so did the difference between life and death. He could feel the sharp stares of the students in the room. All looking innocent and sweet, but 00America had been through this many a times. Never judge a book by its cover. Just as 00America took his final steps to his 'parents' a missile was launched by one of the students, or should I say, Doctor Mr Dale's robot henchmen. The missile was aimed perfectly at the defenceless spy. All was coming to an end. Everything that 00america had worked so hard to protect, gone. As the yellow rocket hit 00America, red liquid spurted out of the end. 00America turned his head towards his partner and new found brother, Dick Plentiful or as we know him, Matthew Williams. 00America opened his mouth, using his last breath to speak to Dick. "Tell my parents" 00America started, "Tell them that even though I am unborn and a surprise, I always loved them." And with that 00America spoke no more. A cold corpse lay on the hard wooden floor of the cafeteria. A once intended normal school was now the host of a brutal murder.

"Al get off the floor, people are staring at us" Dick Plenti- I mean Matt hissed at Alfred, "and what all that parent stuff about?" Matt gently kicked his idiotic friend. Alfred was lying on the floor with a chip with sauce on it on him. Alfred laughed and got up from the floor. Matt sighed at his friend's childlike behaviour. The two sat down on the table Francis and Arthur were already at.

"Bonjour" greeted the toad.

"Hello" said the scone.

Oh sorry, I mean Francis and Arthur...

The four of them sat in an awkward silence (you know what this mean AWKWARD SILENCE TURTLE!) before Alfred decided he didn't like the silence. Oh no, coz… SILENCE IS A SCARY SOUND *starts singing McFly song*. "So like, I hear you two are a couple now" laughed the American.

"NO WE ARE CERTANLY NOT" shouted Arthur. Gosh, some ones on their periods. Wanna borrow one of my tampons Artie? You look like you need it sugar.

"Eh, now don't say zat" said Francis. Yo Bonnefoy, you totally just interrupted my Artie as a girl fantasies! Stupid whore, not sharing Arthur with anyone, it's not like he has a label that says 'property of le French toad appelle Francis.

"We must let the world know of our ~love~" sang France, especially emphasising 'love'. England shivered. The two carried on bickering through the whole break, one embracing the love and the other still in denial. Matt just watched the whole thing taking mental notes and Alfred just laughed through it (you know like a typical American would). This was to be their new family. This was the fucking FACE family!

**A/N – I know it's a short chapter, but quality over quantity right? **

**Dick Plentiful, is a pun off of Pussy Galore, a Bond Girl.**

**I've been reading a lot of fanfiction lately and have been enjoying them, but one thing that really gets to me is when people use six pages just for speech and then a paragraphs worth for description and anything that isn't speech. They really put me off of the stories. No matter how good the title or summary looks, too much speech just ruins it for me. So that's what I've been trying to improve. I'm trying to cut down on speech and only putting it when necessary. This could just be me, you guys might enjoy speech. Anyway, if you like my story, feel free to follow or favourite and you could always tell me why you liked it in the reviews. ALSO a big thank you to all who've done so already. I'm seriously surprised by the amount of favourites and followers I've already gotten, bye.**

_**[EXTRA]**_

_Science homework by the awesome ALFRED F JONES!_

_So like mommy doesn't like daddy, but daddy loves mommy. And I think mommy regrets going out with him in the first place. She'd in denial bad! But I like mommy though, she'd nice… when she'd not drinking. Daddy is a right ass though. He's always trying things with mommy and I don't like it. She always looks like she's gonna through up every time he comes near her. Sometimes daddy whispers things into mommy's ears and she would always pull a disturbed face afterwards. I think daddy's a real sex maniac who just wants to lay mommy down and get a good 'night' with her._

_My Mother and Father by Matthew Williams_

_Mum and dad do not get a long at all. Mum doesn't really like dad that much. But dad absolutely adores mum. He's always saying disgusting things to mum and it's quite discomforting to watch them fight all the time. I wonder how they'll act after having me and Al I think mum is really starting to regret going out with dad. I'm not all that surprised honestly. Dad is quite the 'erotic' man whose mind seems to be set on one thing- getting mother into bed. I don't know what else to say really, other than, mum, if you're reading this, look out for dad!_

"_So I'm a woman now?" asked Arthur._

"_Yeah well zey didn't make you seem like a complete pervert" the French shouted._

"_that's because you are" Arthur told Francis._

"_And you're extremely effeminate" bellowed Francis._


End file.
